Fears of the Dark And Ninjas
by bubblegum-buddy
Summary: Rated T for safety When poor Vincent Valentine is being forced to stay in the same building scratch that, same room as Yuffie Kisaragi, will he be driven completely insane? Humor Yuffentine, on hiatus


**Disclaimer: If I owned Squeenix, why in heaven's name would I be writing _fan fiction_?**

**Chapter 1: The Chaos Begins**

* * *

"Vincent."

Aforementioned ageless winced. "What now, Reeve?"

Reeve Tuesti was blinking on the small computer monitor in front of Vincent. "Come downstairs. I have to tell you something."

_If it's so damn urgent, why not just tell me now? _Thank God Vincent didn't actually say this, or Reeve might be a puddle of melted man and strange clothing. "I'm on my way." He turned the strange little computer in the WRO headquarters off right after this, just able to hear the faint words of "Tuesti out."

* * *

When Vincent's golden shoes clicked down to the meeting area, he was fairly surprised to see his friends standing there as well. Most of all, he was surprised to see Reeve with a clipboard and glasses. _When did Reeve get glasses? And…_why

The "single white rose of Wutai" put her hands on her hips and smirked playfully at him as soon as the door opened. "Well, it's about time you showed up, Mr. Crankypants," Yuffie joked. This earned her a light _smack_ on the back of the head from Tifa, who, directly after doing so, looked away and whistled innocently.

Reeve looked up. "Oh, good, you're here."

"That I am. Now what do you want?" Vincent responded, somewhat bitterly.

"Well-" Reeve took off his glasses and gave them to his adorable feline friend, Cait Sith, who was perched quite contentedly on Nanaki's head. Whoever said cats and dogs didn't get along had never seen these two before. "-You see, Vincent, we've gotten reports that there may be some renegade Deepground soldiers running about. It'll be a two-day journey to find them, and since my 'special' friend here blew out the engine on the Shera-"

"How many times do I have to tell ya, I didn't mean it!" Cait Sith exclaimed in his thick Scottish accent. Red XIII shot Vincent a look that screamed, 'Save me.'

"-Quiet." Reeve turned back to Vincent. "As I was saying, since the airship is dead, we'll have to stop at an inn in Kalm."

"That's great. What's the list for?" Sarcasm dripped from Vincent's voice like cold water from an icicle.

Tifa shrugged one shoulder while holding Cloud's ear captive in her other hand. (Everyone seemed to be ignoring his whelps of, "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, my fricken' ear!") "That's what _we've_ been wondering."

Reeve snatched the glasses back from Cait Sith before he could put them over Red's eyes. "Well…Due to the damages from a couple months ago…we're on a tight budget…"

"…And?"

Reeve sighed. "And I had to make certain…_arrangements_ to fit that budget."

A slight tremor passed through Vincent's gauntlet. "What are you getting at, Reeve?"

Reeve sighed and passed the clipboard to the ageless. "It's…the room arrangements. Who's staying with whom."

Vincent took it in his normal hand and read it carefully. "Barret with Cid, you with Cait Sith and Red XIII, Cloud with Tifa…oh, no." He took the clipboard and Reeve's chicken scratch away from eye level.

Yuffie popped her head up. "What is it?" Before Vincent could protest, the ninja had deftly swiped the paper from his gloves. "Yuffie with Vincent…" she read aloud, then perked up and added all too cheerfully, "Yay! I get to sleep with Vincent! …Wait…OH MY GOD!!! NO!!" Cloud, Tifa, Barret, and Reeve all laughed at the pervertedness of Yuffie Kisaragi, while Cid lit another cigar and muttered,

"We'll see what _that_ baby looks like."

Vincent rubbed his temples. Why, oh why did the world find such pleasure in bringing his mind to insanity?

"Why?" he asked out loud. "Why am I forced to room with Yuffie?"

"Because we like to torture ya, vampire!" boomed Barret, grinning at Vincent's situation.

Our "vampire" twirled his index (human) finger about in the air in a circle. "Yippee…"

* * *

Vincent hated walking with Yuffie when she was hyper. And he also discovered, very recently, that Yuffie couldn't carry a tune at all.

"I'M HENRY THE EIGHTH, I AM!!! HENRY THE EIGHTH, I AM, I AM!!!"

"Yuffie."

She turned her head to him with a silly grin, like she wasn't just screaming one of the oddest songs in history at the top of her lungs. "What?"

"Please…shut up."

"Umm…No! WENT AND MARRIED THE GIRL NEXT DOOR!! SHE'S BEEN MARRIED SEVEN TIMES BEFORE!!!"

Vincent now regretted leaving Cerberus behind. He had nothing to kill himself with.

* * *

Cid looked over his shoulder at the suffering Vincent, who also was being forced to listen- actually, they were _all_ being forced to listen to Yuffie's awful rendition of "Henry the Eighth, I Am." He looked like he was about to strangle himself with his own cloak. Poor guy. And he had this girl as a roommate.

Cid hung back so he could talk to Vincent without Yuffie hearing.

"SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST!!!"

Cid and Vincent rubbed their ears. "Did that damned brat just break the sound barrier?" Cid asked, checking to see if he was either deaf or if his poor, poor ears were bleeding.

Vincent shrugged. "It's a possibility."

* * *

"We're _heeerrreee!!_" Tifa sang.

"_Thank __**God**_" Cid, Barret, Reeve, and Cloud all announced in unison.

Yuffie rubbed one of her ears and turned to the ageless, who was very tired, very pissed, and wanted to sleep. "Hee-hee. And they said _I_ was loud!"

"…"

"Aww, Vinnie, what's wrong?"

"…I'm tired. Thanks to you."

"Ok!" She beamed at him while closing her eyes.

And with that smile, one thought crossed Vincent's mind.

_This…will _not_ end well._

* * *

Cloud and Tifa walked into their room at the inn, which, for some reason, was called the Devil Dog. ("Like the Marines?" Yuffie had asked randomly. He had had no response to this. He didn't even know what the Marines were.) Cloud had his arm around Tifa's waist and his hand rested gently on her hip. He looked back at the two new roommates and winked evilly. "You two play nice now."

Right after uttering those words, Cloud Strife was looking at a stoic, ageless man…and a tomato. Wait, never mind, that was Yuffie's face.

Vincent noted Cloud's position with Tifa and retorted, "You too, Cloud."

Tifa tapped him on the back of the head. "Be nice."

Vincent didn't get to hear Cloud's response for two reasons. A) They walked into their room (with smirks that he _did not_ want explained), and B) Yuffie was attempting to drag Vincent back into theirs. This caused him to wonder how hormonal she really was.

He heard a light gasp from Yuffie. "Vince, look at this!"

Vincent turned around and snapped out of the ninja's grip. His eyes became large and afraid.

_There was only __one__ bed in the room._

But, obviously, that didn't phase Yuffie at all. She perched on the windowsill, breath taken away by the crimson red sunset. And for about five minutes, that was all she did. Stare out into the redness of it all.

And Vincent watched her, wondering when she was going to open her mouth and say something stupid or burst out singing/screaming. Notice that one of them was going to have to sleep on the floor. _Something_.

But all she said was, "It reminds me of you…"

Odd. Very odd.

_Enough of this_, he thought. "Yuffie."

She turned her head slowly to him. Vincent involuntarily noted how her entire face was bathed in pink light. "Hmm?"

"You've noticed our room, right?"

"Uh-huh," Yuffie said with a smile. "It has an awesome view!"

_This is going to be harder than I thought._ "No. Yuffie…there's only one bed in our room. Someone has to sleep on the floor."

"Awww, why?"

"…"

"Dots explain nothing, Vince."

"…Just…no, Yuffie."

She leapt down off the windowsill and in front of him, her hands on her hips, thin bandana swishing behind her like the tail of an angry lioness. "You're just being difficult now, aren't ya!" Her chocolate brown eyes burned…and yet there was still a playful spark to them. "And what if your new roommate doesn't want to sleep on the floor?"

"Who said you would?"

It took the ninja a few seconds to process this. No one ever said that Yuffie Kisaragi had to be the sharpest knife in the drawer. "Wait...what?"

"I'll sleep on the floor, you take the bed." It wasn't a suggestion, it was an order. And _that_ was where Vincent made his fatal mistake. Why?

Because no one, not even the great Vincent Valentine, gave Yuffie an order and expected her to follow it.

"Well, that's stupid!" Yuffie exclaimed. "Why should you sleep on a floor that cockroaches probably slept on!?"

At this, Vincent's pointy golden shoe stabbed one of said cockroaches in the head before answering. "I slept in a coffin for thirty years. I think I can handle sleeping in this."

But Yuffie wouldn't have any of it. "Vincent, we can share the same bed without sleeping together, you pervert. Besides, no one's gonna know."

Vincent exhaled. "Fine. But, don't expect me to take orders from you again."

"Gotcha!"

**

* * *

**

**Buahaha! I have gained a muse!**

**What, oh, what could be awaiting Vincent in the next chapter? Will he survive? Will Yuffie ever be normal? Will he actually get a god night's sleep? Will evil fuzzy bunnies of doom break into the inn and steal his soul?**

**Actually…That last one's an automatic "no."**

'**Til next chapter!**

**- Mistytail**


End file.
